Saban, Little Debbie 2012

I've had enough of the 2012 presidential campaign already.  I'm putting all my support behind Nick Saban and Little Debbie.  Roll Tide.  Unwrap smiles.  Win.

Another Reason Adam Lucas Rules

Tar Heel fans know the name, Adam Lucas.  I would guess that most know him from his contributions to the radio broadcasts on the Tar Heel Sports Network and his written columns on TarHeelBlue.com.  Many know him as the publisher, executive editor, and writer for Tar Heel Monthly Magazine.  Many also know him as a tag-team member of one of the finest collegiate baseball broadcasting tandems in the country alongside Jones Angell (who incidentally has the voice of an angel, but I digress). 

Anyway, Adam Lucas defines the term, Tar Heel.  He can tell you anything you want to know about Tar Heel athletics, especially basketball.  The dude has a front row seat to every UNC athletic event, and he also has access to the post-game press conferences and access to the players after every contest.  Every UNC fan wants to be this guy, ok?  On a personal level, he's one of the most swell human beings I've ever met.  Top-notch, grade-A, family man with a great head on his shoulders and dedication to the finest university in the world. 

You may ask yourself, "does Casey have a man crush on Adam Lucas?"  Yes.  Absolutely.  I have a man crush on the entire Tar Heel Sports Network crew.  They are awesome.  And I just stumbled across a photo on Yahoo!'s sports page that just multiplied that man crush times 1,000.  Take a look: 

There he is circled in red thanks to Microsoft Paint.  Some of my UNC brethren may already know after first glance why this picture is so incredible and why Adam Lucas rules.  Hard.  But if not, let me explain.  There he is on press row at Duke's Cameron Indoor Stadium, surrounded by annoying, ungodly, and ugly Duke students.  I'm nearly 100% certain that his blood is boiling in that picture.  His eyes are closed, and my guess is that he's wishing the bleachers behind him will break...he's not wishing serious bodily harm or death upon them...just something that will freaking shut them up and get their unclean bodies away from him. 

You see, Duke students violate personal bubbles on press row each and every game because they are silver spoon, spoiled, rude, yankees who don't care about anyone but themselves.  The first thing I thought when I spotted Lucas in this picture was that he had to be thinking along the lines of a great Seinfield Show quote: "SERENTIY NOW...SERENITY NOW...MY SWEET [insert preferred diety], I HATE DUKE AND THEIR STUDENTS....SERENITY NOW!" 

As a fellow Tar Heel, I feel your pain, Adam.  Kudos for not blowing up and crotch-punching one of those pricks that most certainly deserved it. 

Thank God for this weather!

Seriously. Praise God.  It has been a long--cold--winter.  This entire weekend is going to be amazing. Movies, baseball, a little jogging; who knows.  Good times.  PLUS...Only 3 more days til MONDAY!!!  Holy moly.

And for the record, if it gets colder than 45 degrees from here on out, I will find Old Man Winter, and I will smother him in his sleep.

Later gators!

Quick Hits

Another day; another useless sack full of thoughts.

• I started sweating yesterday while walking back to my car!  This is good news, gang.  It's been so cold this winter that the only bodily fluid I was dealing with outside was snot and the risk of that snot freezing to my face while I walked.  
• Red Bull is a heck of a drug. Yes, I said 'drug.'  That stuff will definitely give you wings; it will also likely give you heart palpitations. Party on, sleep deprivation.  Party on.
• This is a picture of an otter.  I was thinking I needed a picture for this post, and then I thought, "I like animals.  Otters are pretty cool."  Went to Google; did a search; boom.

• The Beatles suck.  I've always said that.  The Rolling Stones were so much better.  
• The men's bathroom on the bottom floor of Gorgas Library at UA is way too small.  It is nearly impossible to not offend or be offended by someone due to the invasion of  personal bubbles. 
• I'm still contemplating what to do about my "online presence."  Multiple employers, family members and professors have encouraged me to analyze my blog and consider if it's worth the risk of alienating or offending future employers.  Obviously, the answer today is, "Yes." 

THINGS IN THE OVEN
--I'm excited about 2 future posts. The first was recommended to me by Patrick Spence, the founder, writer, and curator of Baseball IronDad.  He asked me if I had seen the movie 'Stroker Ace.'  It is about a NASCAR driver (Burt Reynolds) who is awesome.  I have not seen it, but I will this weekend.  He said it is certainly worth a post, and he has never steered me wrong.
--The next post in the works I have been thinking about for a while.  It's uncanny how similar the minds of Patrick Spence and myself work sometimes.  Just a few days ago, he sent me a text with the very same post idea:  UNC vs. South Carolina.  Which is the real 'Carolina'?  You'll have to wait for all the details, but I will tell you this right now.  With all due respect to my South Carolina alumni friends, it isn't even close.  Consider athletics briefly:  South Carolina has one national championship amongst ALL of their athletic teams since their inception (Baseball, 2010).  UNC has 21 in women's soccer alone and 5 in men's basketball.  It only gets worse for the Gamecocks.  Can't wait to enlighten you.

They want a piece of this

About 3 weeks ago, I noticed dogs barking when I walked to my car.  They are large, angry creatures--perhaps German Shepherds, Great Danes, Rottweilers or Wolves.

Sometime last week, it occurred to me that nearly every time I'm walking to my car, those two dogs are barking.  They're behind a wooden fence.  The fence is fairly new and has very little space in between the boards.  All I can see is flashes of sharp white teeth dashing back and forth.  I thought to myself, those dogs bark all the time.  Don't they ever get tired???

And then today...I noticed that I never hear them when I'm inside. You may think that's not unusual, but my apartment is basically built out of popsicle sticks and insulated like a tent.  I hear everything that goes on outside.  I walked to the window in my kitchen (I'm on the second floor) and saw the two beasts laying there contently; no barking.  And then I thought to myself, "Those dogs hardly ever bark when I'm inside.  But I when I'm outside...."  Could it be that those K-9 killers want a piece of me?  Obviously I had to experiment.  So, I walked outside and popped my head around the corner of the building.  No lie--On cue, those rabid animals that must surely have a lust for blood, started barking and going nuts.  I went back inside, and they stopped.  10 minutes later, I was leaving to go to the gym, and they started barking wildly again. 

Coincidence?  I hope so.

If not; I hope that fence holds up. 

Why You Should Hate Duke

I’d like to preface this by saying, “with all due respect.” And I do mean, with all due respect.  The issue here is that not much respect is due.

There are so many reasons as a North Carolina native (and as a non-native) to despise and detest Duke, that it isn’t even funny. I don’t get upset with my friends who are Duke fans, because they’re simply misguided—misguided in a bad way.  I hope to fix that. Of all my friends who are Duke fans, none went to Duke…And the 2 people I know who actually went there, do not cheer for Duke. Ever.  Love it.

Real quick, I’d like to explain why I don’t take the time to rip into NC State. NC State is a publicly funded institution within the North Carolina system. NC State fans that live within the state have helped fund that university through taxes, and they have every right to cheer for their team. Moreover, I have several good friends that are NC State alums. My brother received his PhD from there. Yes, NC State fans make me want to vomit sometimes, but at least their decision to pull for the Pack is justified. Further, Duke students are dorky, squirrely and generally look unhealthy. NC State students on the other hand, are corn-fed, and I wouldn’t want to start an unnecessary fight with them.

I honestly don’t know where to start. The reasons to be induced into a gag-reflex due to the mere mention of Duke are endless. But, I’ve got to start somewhere.  This is by no means an exhaustive list; that would take too long. 

1) Taxes: If you are or ever were a North Carolina resident, you paid a significant amount of taxes to the state of North Carolina. Not a dime; nay; not a single penny of that money ever went to Duke which is a private institution. Unless you donated money to Duke (in which case, we should consider much further intervention), you have ABSOLUTLEY NO VESTED INTEREST in the happenings of that conceited, elitist institution in Durham. To cover all the bases, Duke did and does receive federal grants. They received over $1.5 million dollars of tax-payer money from the feds (http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/2009/11/stimulus.html). Oh, and it was from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA)…What a great program that ended up being!!! Yay Duke, and yay federal government! Undoubtedly, there’s going to be some clown out there who may point to some state grant that Duke received in the past. I don’t have the time to research that trash, and if Duke ever received a state grant, I want my dang money back.

2) Student Body: Only 15% of Duke students are from North Carolina. Pathetic. Get the heck out of my home state. Where do their other students come from? The top-5 include New Jersey, New York, California, and Texas. Well we all know from watching Jersey Shore on MTV that New Jersey is the classiest of the classy. Well done Duke. You don’t have to take my word for it: (http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/2009/12/early_decision.html) (http://news.duke.edu/2006/03/admissions.html). Not only should those stats give Duke fans pause, but on top of that, Duke promotes those stats. Diversity, diversity, diversity! Horse crap. North Carolina’s population is extremely diverse. Duke recruits students out of state simply to boast about their diversity, which is ultimately a ploy to raise the cost of attendance. It now costs $52,405 a year to attend Duke, and I got that from their website (http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/resources/quickfacts.html). Within the UNC-system (17 institutions in all), no university or college has an in-state enrollment below 81% (North Carolina A&T holds that mark). UNC-Chapel Hill is 83% in-state students, and UNC-Pembroke leads the way at 95%. Some will argue:  “Well, Duke is a private university, and that’s the nature of private schools."  Take that private mentality and shove it. How many “private” things have ever been good? When you’ve got information that you’d like to keep “private,” it isn’t good is it? How about “private” gentlemen’s clubs—grimy, filthy, pathetic. Teenagers want their “Privacy.” Why do they won’t this privacy? Because they have discovered the art of touching themselves or touching people of the opposite sex. Bad news on both fronts (no pun intended). And lastly, “Private Ryan.” Well, I have nothing against Private Ryan. He was a great man, and I’m glad they saved him. And yes, our personal rights and privacy as Americans are another “private” thing that is good. Duh.

3) The problem with Duke’s “redeeming” qualities: “Duke is a fine institution.” There are lots of fine institutions. Most of them don’t charge $52,400 for you to attend. “Duke has many notable alums.” Before I light into Duke’s “notable alumni,” I would submit that it’s not a good argument for any university or college fans to boast about their alums, because there are undoubtedly some bad apples that bring shame to the school. That being said, I give you some of Duke's “notable” alums: -Richard Nixon—Ah yes. Dick. Decent president. Watergate was cool. -George Richard "Rick" Wagoner, Jr.-Former CEO of General Motors. Rick nearly single-handedly ruined my favorite car manufacturer. And he was asked to resign…by the White House and federal government. How bad do you have to screw things up for the Feds to say, “Hey, we think you could do things better and more efficiently”? -Oh, here’s a good one: John J. Mack—CEO of Morgan Stanley. According to Equilar.com (http://www.equilar.com/CEO_Compensation/Morgan_Stanley_John_J._Mack.php) , Mr. Mack is one of the richest CEO’s in America, and you’re going to love the breakdown of his income. Base salary: a modest $800,000. “Other”: $435,000.  Hard-earned money, I’m sure. And his accumulated wealth of $53 freaking million is tied up mostly in equity holdings…All on the up and up I’m sure. Ah, Morgan Stanley. A champion of blue collar workers. If you bring them anything less than $25,000 to invest, they’ll tell you kiss off. Just good people, man! Good people. The next “redeeming" quality I love to hear Duke fans and even alums use is, “It’s a beautiful campus!” Well duh, you morons. It’s in North Carolina. You couldn’t make a campus in North Carolina look ugly unless you cut down all the trees, and then covered it entirely with brick and asphalt (looking at you NC State).



Of course it's beautiful!  You can thank the Old North State for that.

 4) The problem with saying “I’m just a Duke basketball fan.”: This statement is the definition of ignorance. Whether you like it or not, the basketball team does not exist without the university. They are one in the same. Deal with it. That’s like saying, “I like lucky charms, but I don’t like the green shamrock marshmallows.” Well then, you don’t like Lucky Charms, you idiot. It’s like saying, “I like fishing, but I don’t like waiting for them to bite”…It doesn’t work like that, chief. It’s like saying, “I like country music, but I don’t like George Strait.” Holy moly, if you don’t see the problem with that, then you’re a lost cause, and you should get your IP address off my web-log space right now. I love how quickly most Duke basketball “fans” will trash Duke’s football team. Now, trashing Duke’s football team is justifiable…if you’re not a Duke basketball fan. So silly. They both receive funds from, and generate revenue for, Duke’s athletic program. The money goes to the same pot, whether you like it or not.

5) The girls at Duke are ugly. So ugly.

And I didn't even mention:

•  JJ Redick's double-barrel middle finger shooting at the UNC student section
•  Coach K's potty mouth
•  Jersey boy, Bobby Hurley and his habbit of crying like a school girl
•  The absolutely hateful "Cameron Crazies" who could make Ozzy Osborne blush with their language and the way they treat visiting fans
• The high school gym they call a "stadium" which is old, unclean, overcrowded and hot (great idea to turn down the A.C. a couple years back Coach K!)
• The worst press box in the history of sports, but they affectionately call it "the crow's nest."  Oh, "but it's colorful, and it's got character."  It's also got rats. 

And to those of you out there who went to UNC and pull for Duke:  When the heck are you going to re-evaluate your entire life.  I bet you're also fans of Judas.

The Best Words in the English Language

All words are not created equally. In fact, it's not even close. Some words are far superior to others. To be clear, I appreciate all words...they're all necessary at some point. Take for example the word "it." It's not exciting.  But...it would not be easy to communicate without it, now would it?  I submit not.  That being said, some words stand alone atop the literary world.  The following is my Top-5 list of words, including slang.  You may not like these words at all, but at the very least, it may get you thinking about the terrific language we take for granted.  BULLET POINTS:

• 5)  "Party"  --   Defintion (Dictionary.com):   1. a social gathering, as of invited guests at a private home, for conversation, refreshments, entertainment, etc.: a cocktail party.  Definition (UrbanDictionary.com):  6.   Music + Food + Drinks + at least 3 people of at least 2 sexes.   Why I like the word:  Well, I like to party.  Responsibly.  It's fun to simply yell, "PARTY!!!"  It's fun to say, "I like to party."  It's fun to ask, "Do you like to party?"  Nothing says fun like the word party.  And as if that's not enough, there's this video:

• 4)  "Lunatic"  --  Definition (Dictionary.com):  1.  An insane person.  2.  A person whose actions and manner are marked by extreme eccentricity or recklessness.  Definition (UrbanDictionary.com):  4.  A bug that lives on the moon...That definition is in no way accurate, but it's flipping hilarious.  Why I like the word:  This word is fun to say, and it is inherently amusing in my opinion.  Give it a try.  And since I've already brought one 80's movie star into the fold, I might as well continue the trend with the best example of a lunatic known to man: 
  
  
  
  
  
   
• 3)  "Psycho" --  Definition (Dictionary.com):  1.  Slang-A psychopathic or neurotic person.  Definition (UrbanDictionary.com)  4.  The ex boyfriend/girlfriend  Why I like the word:  My group of friends affectionately refer to each other as "psychos."  It's said in a joking manner, but to a scary extent, it's pretty accurate.  Listen up; we've all got some "psycho" in us, and we need to let it out every now and then.  It's healthy. Don't quote me on that, but just go with it.  When you're driving down the road and someone cuts you off, yell "PSYCHO!!!"  See if you don't feel better.  When someone raises their voice at you or says something rude or mean, call them a psycho, and see if that doesn't shut them up.  When Tom Cruise goes on Oprah and jumps on a couch like a meth-head, be thankful that you're not that psycho.  One of my favorite all-time UNC basketball players, Tyler Hansbrough (Psycho-T), is the coolest psycho in sports.  Lastly, speaking of psychos and basketball, you can't go far without talking about this nut job:

•  
•  2)  "Giggle" -- Warning: the official definition is priceless. Definition (Dictionary.com):  to laugh in a silly,often high-pitched way, especially with short, repeated gasps and titters, as from juvenile or ill-concealed amusement or nervous embarrassment.  Off topic, quickly...What the heck is a titter?  Definition (UrbanDictionary.com)  4. Using Google to search for web sites with jokes, funny images or otherwise amusing and laughable content.  Why I like the word:  Why wouldn't anyone like the word "giggle"?  Seriously?  The word giggle makes me giggle.  The word giggle makes me smile.  I know girls AND guys that don't hardly ever laugh; instead they giggle.  When it comes to girls, nothing is cuter than a giggle.  When it comes to guys, nothing is less manly or more pathetic than a giggle, but it is hilarious and it raises the spirits of everyone within earshot.  It makes them think happy thoughts of leprechauns, elves, sunshine dust, and magic.  Check this Jimmy Dean commercial for some awesome-leprechaun-giggle-action:
  
  
  
  
   1)  "Dookie" -- Definition (Dictionary.com): No dictionary results  Definition (UrbanDictionary.com):  See:  poop  Why I like the word:  Here's the deal, "dookie" is the coolest non-word in the English language.  It's even cooler than "ain't."  Have you ever seen a kid in discomfort and anguish yell "I've gotta dookie!!!"?  I have.  It's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life, and I immediately said, "Go to the bathroom!  Now!"  The bottom line is this...As an adult, if you ever find yourself in a situation where it's difficult to leave (i.e. an annoying acquaintance is talking your ears off, and you can't shut them up; you're at work, and you need to take a break but your boss is pressuring you to keep working; you're visiting in-laws; you're on a date gone terribly wrong and you want out--immediately)...if you're in one of those situations and you want the situation to end, you say this: "I GOTTA DOOKIE!"  See if anyone stands in your way after dropping that gem.  Not a chance.  Write this down:  If you say the magic word (dookie), you will Confuse, Diffuse, and Amuse.  Let me explain further--You will Confuse whoever is in your company, because only those in the 8 and under demographic are socially acceptable users of that word-even at parties.  You will Diffuse any volatile situation you are in, because turmoil and warfare in one's colon trump all situations.  Nothing expresses that turmoil like the word "dookie."  Lastly you will Amuse.....yourself.  Everyone else will be embarrassed to know you, offended by you, or they'll think you're a lunatic or a psycho.  But you will get the last laugh, because you just said "dookie" in public, and you're an adult.  Good job, you.  Good job.  Feel free to giggle wildly. 

If animals were smart...

Lots of people think their pets are "really smart," and that's fine.  Some pets and animals are smart...relatively.  Dogs can be trained to do amazing things...and they also lick themselves.  Cats can open doors and windows, and scientists say they can recognize people they met several years before...They also climb trees they can't get out of.  Dolphins can regonize themselves in mirrors:  CNN Dolphin Video.  Monkeys and honey badgers are known to use tools.  On an on.

But what if animals were REALLY smart.  Like, smart enough to screw with us.  Seriously, some of them could jack us up if they got together and planned something.  I'm most worried about eagles, monkeys, and lions.  BULLET POINTS:

• Eagles:  Can you imagine if 3 or more eagles teamed up for an aerial attack???  We'd have no chance.  If they simply got together and picked out a single unsuspecting human victim, that human would not make it out alive.  With those powerful talons, they could easily slice a jugular or pick a small person up...and then drop them.
• Monkeys:  These guys could really screw with us.  They already wreak havoc in the Caribbean-->
 

What if they decided to make life miserable for some poor schmuck?  They have opposable thumbs for goodness sake.  They could tie you up, and then slap you in the face, just for kicks.  Frightening.  

• Lions:  Whoa nelly.  Freaking lions.  If they gang up and decide to dominate the human race...we're dead.  It's so simple, it's scary.  I hope they don't read this.  First, they team up on a zoo keeper.  Boom, 3 or 4 of them are free.  Then, they hop on a bus and go to another zoo in America and convince those lions to kill their zoo keeper, too.  3 or 4 more escape and then you've got a posse of angry, blood thirsty lions.  At this point, they would have at least made the news so they'll have to start working at night.  But still, they could slowly make their way across America freeing all the lions.  At that point, they could surround houses and eat people all day.  Even if you had several guns, you'd need a hefty caliber to drop a daggum lion.  And if 1 or 2 of them goes down, another is swatting you in the face with a paw the size of your head.  Lose-lose. 

My golly, I hope these animals' brains don't evolve much more.

Long Walks on the Beach...

When people introduce themselves and tell you a little bit of their background, they always think it's hi-larious to add, "and I like long walks on the beach."  Everybody then laughs as a result of a pathetic trained social reflex...except me. 

First of all, that joke is just as old, if not older, than responding to the news that a 16-year-old just got their first driver's license with, "Uh oh!  I better stay off the roads!  Hur, hur, hur!"  Idiots.  I was personally offended when people used the "stay off the roads" with me at age 16.  I would not laugh or smile.  I would blankly stare at them until they awkwardly walked away.  Neither the beach joke nor the driving joke would be funny even if they weren't as old as Regis Philbin.

Second, I love long walks, but haven't you ever noticed the slightly (sometimes moderately) sloped landscape of a beach?  It makes it feel like you're walking without one of your shoes on.  It drives me nuts.  Also, at many beaches, especially Myrtle Beach, there is a constant heavy wind that does NOT blow in from the ocean but instead parallel to the coast line.  This means when you walk one way, you feel like you just snorted a line of cocaine and you're walking uber fast, like an Olympic speedwalker.  BUT, when you turn around, you get dominated by the wind, and it feels like you just snorted tons of antihistamines like Benadryl, and you're walking up a steep hill.

All that being said, I love the beach.  I prefer the beach to the mountains or to bare flat lands.  I simply don't enjoy long walks on it. 

Happy New Year!  Suckers.

Things in my Christmas stocking

It's a safe bet that you didn't get what I got in my Christmas stocking. My brother and I are constantly looking for rare and outlandish items to make each other laugh. He got me good this Christmas. Laughed for a good solid 4 minutes after discovering these dandies:
1) Scorpion Sucker-Banana Flavor

Yes, that's a real scorpion inside.  And, no, I don't know what you're suppose to do when you get to it.

2) Edible Crickets-Bacon and Cheese flavored

Again, the items inside are real.  Real dead.  And edible.  Quite luxurious with the bacon and cheese flavoring.

My father and mother are also good at picking out gifts.  They know lots of people that make wood carvings and other hand made stuff.  That led to this gem:

3)  A hand-carved wolf sling shot:

 Apparently, no Christmas is complete without something that can shoot your eye out.  I like it a lot.

Woodchucks

This commercial makes me giggle.  Hard.


That's all I got. Happy Monday!

You Just Got Skunked

Animals amaze me.  The way they look and the way they act keeps me entertained.  We'll get to the skunk in a minute, but let's look at my top-6 animals first, for no particular reason.  The list fluctuates, but today, here's how it stands.

6. Horses

5. Dogs

4.  Panthers

3.  Monkeys

2. Zonkeys (That's right, a freaking Donkey mixed with a Zebra!!!) 

1.  Honey Badgers

The skunk is getting props today for several reasons; mostly its incredible ability to stink.  Also respectable is its resemblance to the aforementioned honey badger, which is the king of the animal kingdom.  

-What animal other than the SKUNK can drop a bomb that stinks up 2 miles of interstate highway on an otherwise pleasant road journey?  I submit, none, unless they're dead...Dead animals stink pretty bad.  The real question is, do skunks realize the unholy power they possess?  That stench is terrible.  What if a certain skunk was just a jerk and started spraying people and spraying highly populated recreational areas just for laughs???  We have to hope this never happens.  They could take over the world. Their stink is not worth admiration but it is worth respect.  It is highly unique in the animal kingdom, and it is one of the most distinctive things in the animal world.

-However, just to be clear, skunks like every other animal on the planet, are nowhere near as awesome as honey badgers.  The skunk may have a matching majestic white mullet like the honey badger.  And the skunk may have an incredible and unsatisfiable hankering for honey which drives it to invade live bee hives just like honey badgers.  BUT, have you ever seen a skunk do this:

or this:  

No, no you haven't.  Skunks can not match the honey badger's lust for fear and intimidation.  

 -Welp, see ya later!

I've outdone myself

 When I go out on the town late night, I don't try to pick up girls.  It's not my style. I've never gone home with a girl, and I've never had one come home with me.  I never will, either.  "Hook-ups" are for the birds.  I prefer the circa 1950s model.  Dating.  If you enjoy the dates, hell, you can "go steady."  Anyway, when I'm out and about, I'll talk to everyone in an attempt to either entertain them or entertain myself.  Now, this is not to make an excuse for my awful way with words when it comes to girls.  Rarely, I'll actually meet someone I'd like to get to know better.  When I'm actually serious about trying to get to know someone, I make the same terrible comments, but it's not quiet as entertaining.  I digress.  Let's move on.

My friends have long been entertained by my conversations with the ladies.  At first, I was annoyed because I couldn't talk to any gal without having my friends listen in and giggle like school girls when I unknowingly dropped odd/horrible lines or offended someone without even trying.  One good "friend" said, "watching you talk to girls is one of the most entertaining things I've seen."  This was not a compliment.  He went on, "It's like a train wreck.  Absolutely horrible, but I can't stop watching, and I enjoy it."

I've got good friends.

After a while, I embraced it...maybe a little too much.  I wish I could apologize to some of the girls I used as guinea pigs just to get laughs from friends.  It always started the same way.  I'd spot one, tap my friends on the shoulder or get their attention and say, "watch this."  Then I was off.

Anyway, most of the time, I wasn't consciously trying to get laughs or offend anyone with my comments, but I did.  Here's the short list of lines that didn't come out or work out the way I planned.  I would like to forget them, but my good friends make sure I don't.

-"Hey, you're feet are bigger than mine!  That's interesting."  Reaction:  offended

-"You look really tired. What in the world have you been doing?"  Reaction:  offended

-"Do you like to party?"  Reaction:  frightened

-"Do you speak Spanish?"  Reaction:  speechless

-"I can't dance.  Not at all. If I could, I would ask you to dance.  I can snap my fingers...What's up?"  Reaction:  amused-not in a good way

-"Dannnnng!  Yo, what up?"  Reaction: she said, "Have you ever had a drink poured on your head?"  Reaction to the reaction:  I said "No, but I've been slapped at least 4 or 5 times."  Reaction to the reaction-reaction:  Rolled eyes, walked away (a victory in my opinion).

-And the personal favorite of a couple of my friends:  I was watching "Coneheads" with a girl, and it got to the part where Chris Farley took the conehead girl to the dance or prom or whatever the heck it was.  Then Chris Farley and the conhead started kissing.  So I turned to that poor girl and said, "So--uhh.  You wanna try that?"  Reaction:  Confused-very confused...but we kissed, suckers.  Damn, I'm good. 

-And today, I may have outdone myself.  I was at the gym.  I wasn't even interested in this girl, mind you.  She was at least a half a head taller than me and skinnier than Skeletor.  When I'm at the gym, I rarely talk to anyone because it's the one place where I'm all business.  I want to get in and get out in 50 minutes; casual conversation does not fit in.  But today, I had nowhere to be so I was taking my time.  I was on the stretching mats, which at the gym at Alabama are on the second floor down a long hallway that leads to an emergency exit.  It's adjacent to an indoor track where creeper dudes stare at girls doing ab workouts and stretching.  The girls are justifiably on guard when they're on the mats and I don't blame them.  Now.  I knew this, but for some reason, it didn't strike me that the following comment could have been taken the wrong way.  I was stretching right beside this girl, and all I did was make an observation.  It was not meant to be dirty or sexual, and I wasn't trying to hit on her.  Honest.  I said, "You are really flexible!  That's cool."  Reaction:  she said, "Wow." and got up and walked away.  Skank.

Plants and Pickle-sicles

So here are pictures of the houseplant that refuses to quit.  You know, they actually say that talking to plants helps them grow better.  I heard that nearly everyday when I was landscaping, and there's actually literature to back it up...But, I don't know how true it is when I'm looking at it every morning saying, "Why don't you just hurry up and die so I can add you to the compost pile out back."  Here's a shot of it:

Not too bad from that angle...But:

Tough son of a gun.  I'll give it that.  Oh, and check this out.  I left a pickle from McAlister's Deli in my refrigerator for a couple of weeks.  This is what happened.  OMG, right?  Right? Nobody?  No?

Right after I discovered this petrified pickle, I immediately walked it over to the houseplant and told it, "you're next."

!Choco-Milk Price Alert!

This mainly concerns Tuscaloosa residents; others are encouraged to keep reading for poops and giggles.

I wanted to give a brief report on current choc-milk market prices in Tuscaloosa.  I've been getting shafted until today.  Here's a short list of prices for 1-pint Dairy Fresh Chocolate Milks in the University area (taxes included).

• University dining/library cafes & bistros:   $1.84-absolute travesty, and sometimes they don't have any 
• Exon (or is it Mobil or something else?) on University Blvd. close to gym: $1.54-still too pricey, and they also experience horrid stock-outs occasionally
• Kangaroo on University Blvd. close to gym:  $1.41-getting better, but not even close to the Tuscaloosa Choco-milk Price Champion
• Shell on corner of Hackberry Lane and Black Bear's Way:  $1.08-Woooooo!  Son.  Jackpot. Choco-milk party in T-Town.
• Publix on the strip:  $1.06-Important to note this is the price of Publix's own brand of chocolate milk.  It's not bad.  I put it right up there with Dairy Fresh.  The problem with Publix is that getting in and out of that parking lot makes me want to choke-slam people.

Here's to you, Old Man Winter

With all due respect, and I am saying with all due respect--If you're reading this Old Man Winter, I'd like to pass along a message: go to hell.

This Old House [Plant]

--Shortly after I moved to Alabama last year, a female friend told me something insightful.  She said my apartment looked like a 12-year old boy lived in it because of the sports collectibles and the assortment of toys I keep on hand (they're awesome toys in my opinion).
--But, she was right.  I needed a re-modeling of sorts.  So I added curtains, a couple of delightful lamps, and last but not least, a house plant.  It was real nice-I got it at Wal-mart.  A half gallon bucket within a tiny, hand-painted globe, and a plant that looks something like miniature liriope (aka monkey grass). 
--After about 2 years of landscaping a groundskeeping, a houseplant seemed like an easy task.  The little plastic information thingy sticking out of the soil suggested the same thing:  "Needs some sunlight, temperatures between 45 and 105, occasional watering based on look and touch."  Aight.
--Well, about a year later, I have neglected the house plant and it looks terrible.  If it were a human, it would be in the hospital, and they would have called in the family.  I haven't watered it in about 3 and a half weeks, and honestly I've just been hoping it will die soon.  But it hasn't died.  I think it's staying alive just to spite me.  Seriously, I walk into the kitchen every morning, and it's just staring at me.  Some mornings I think I actually hear it saying, "Look at what you've done to me. Kill me.  Douse me in gasoline or put a black sheet over me."
--I'll post a picture shortly, but let me try to describe it via the use of literary symbols first.  It's once "kelly green glow" is now more or of a "vomit green."  It's once perky leaves now sag terribly and most are wilting with brown tips.  Most hideous of all is a strange fungus or ooze that has developed right on the top of it.  It looks like someone hocked a loogie on my dang plant.  I shouldn't be mad though; it's my fault it looks like absolute crap.
--Anyway, judging from my plant care, I guess it's a good thing I didn't get a dog instead. 

Love at First Stride

"My momma always said you can tell a lot about a person by their shoes, where they go, where they've been. I've worn lots of shoes, I bet if I think about it real hard I can remember my first pair of shoes." -Forrest Gump

When running shoes wear out, it's a quick and ugly process.  The first sign that they're coming apart is also usually one of the last.  Soon after you notice a problem, they're done for.  That's why I'm already beginning to dread the loss of my favorite pair of running shoes to date--these New Balance 719's:
 

I got them in August of 2008, and somehow they're still holding on.  I did some quick math.  Say, I average 10 miles a week...that's 104 weeks from when I bought them to August 2010.  Then, add another 12 or so to get us where we're at now.  So, 116 weeks at an average of 10 miles = 1,160 miles on these guys.  They have absolutely molded to my feet; they're like socks with soles on them.

I'm not partial to many physical objects.  I use to love all of my baseball cards, autographed baseballs, and collectibles, but none of that really means much to me any more.  I also use to love some of my old t-shirts because they reminded me of specific times in my life, but that wore off too.  I'm blessed to have received a different perspective on material things.  This life is a mist; storing up things down here is as silly as roller skating in a buffalo herd.  That's very clear to me these days, and I'm thankful that Jesus has hammered that home to me.

But.  If there is one physical item that gets to me, it's this pair of shoes.  Running is like therapy.  I think about everything when I run:  life in general, my finances, school, the job market when I get out of school, my family, my friends, relationships, my biggest fears, my biggest disappointments, my greatest joys...everything.  I also pray a ton when I run.

They're just shoes, but I feel like they know more about me than anybody else...except God.  Seriously, there are things I think about when I run that I don't tell anybody else.  Maybe I should, but I'm thinking everybody has some things that they like to keep to themselves...not bad things, just things they aren't comfortable talking about with other people.  Or things they're embarrassed to admit to other people, or things that are too sad to get out when talking to other people.  Whatever it may be, I hope I'm not alone here...

Anyway, they're just objects, but I feel like they're the best listeners I've ever had for sure.  I run when I get stressed, upset, mad, or sad.  It's an awesome release.  Eventually, I get to the point where I can't run any more, and then I just walk.  When I get done running, it's like my shoes are asking me, "you feel better?"  And then, I'm like, "yeah, New Balances, I do.  Thanks for asking.  Now get off me, and get back in the closet. We'll see ya' in a couple of days."  .....Maybe a little bit strange or creepy, but that's how it goes down.  Deal with it.

I'm going to miss these guys.  I can see the soles starting to peel off towards the side.  It'll be a long time before I find a pair this awesome.

Out of Context

Today, my Stats class was great. Our professor had some awesome one-liners and he didn't event know it. You see, I pay attention about 67.87% of the time, but the other part of the time, I blackout. So today, during the "blackouts," our professor caught my attention with some seemingly inappropriate comments.
The first one that caused me to take notice was this:

"You know what?  I just hate relationships that aren't straight.  They make me sick." 

Now, originally I thought this was some deep South rhetoric against homosexuals.  But upon asking my classmates for clarification, he was just talking about scatter plots that had curved distributions. He wanted them straight so he could set a model for them.  I'll take their word it.

Next, I heard this gem:

"You just throw some stuff in the front, then do some work, and blow it out the other end."

I really wish he meant exactly what I thought he meant, because I would vote him professor of the century.  Anyway, if you don't think that quote's funny, then 1 of 2 things are happening.  1.  You are more mature than me (highly, HIGHLY likely) or 2.  You have a "crappy" sense of humor...

Rolling With the Tide: How we wound up in Columbia, SC. Quite an Unlikely Party

Guess what? I don't wait for parties to show up.  I make parties happen.  If you remember one thing, remember that.

I didn't think it was possible to go two days without sleep.  Honestly didn't.  But I just did it this weekend.  Never want to do it again.  Never, ever. BUT, it was well worth it this time.

People say stuff about having no sleep all the time: "I haven't slept all week!"  "I didn't sleep at all last night!" etc.  Most of the time, these people have had at least minimal shut-eye.  They're engaging in hyperbole, if you will.

On Friday night though, me and my friend, Frank started what would be the most intense, party packed, college-football infused, sleepless weekend bashes imaginable.

On most Fridays, I start getting Eric Church songs stuck in my head, and I have to get to a bar for at least one or two "cold, cold beers."  As the former manager of the Burlington Indians, Kevin Higgins often told me, "it's nice to break down the week or break down a day over a beer."  True dat.

 This Friday was no different.  Met up with Frank and another friend, Ryan at the Houndstooth for a couple rounds to celebrate the end of another good week.

At this point, it's necessary to explain the fact that I get these "ideas" all the time that are a little bit out there.  Like Butch from the movie "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid," I'm thinking all the time.  That's what I'm good at.  Thinking.  Doing? Not as often.  But man, I've got these ideas.  I'd love to tell you some of them.  Just ask me for one.  Seriously.  Set aside 5-minutes, though

Anyway, I heard tell of a good friend in Columbia, SC that was having a bachelor party this weekend...The Tide just happened to be playing South Carolina the same weekend, so I thought it might be nice to shout at them real quick and catch the game.  Either way, it just made me start thinking about the feasibility of getting to and from Columbia and back.  Generally you want to plan these things in advance, and generally you would have wanted to head to Columbia earlier in the day. But, I threw the idea out to Ryan and Frank, and all three of us laughed it off.  At first. 

At about midnight, I threw it out there again.  I wasn't standing for another weekend of marginal fun.  Didn't want to sit around waiting for something awesome to happen.  This time, I could see it in both of their eyes.  We were on to something.  Phone calls and texts started to be made.  We began to get preliminary market value figures on tickets, and the next thing you know at 12:30 am on Friday night, we're talking about how soon we can leave.  Frank said, "I'm going home to pack.  We can't waist any more time.  If we're going, we need to get on it.  If not, I'll just go to bed."  Ryan and his gal, Kelsey understandably opted out.  I went back home and was about to get in bed.  Then I thought about how awesome spontaneous things are.  You really nail it if you do something you didn't even expect.  You know how some girls talk about liking dudes that are "spontaneous"?  Those girls better watch their mouths around me, because I will blow their freaking minds. I don't even know what I'm going to do most of the time.  Just imagine how in the dark everyone else is.  Anyway, I called Frank and said, "let's do this."  He said, "O.K. let's go.  Are you serious?"  "Yeah, I'm dead serious.  I'm serious if you are."  Frank then responded, "I'm packed. I've been serious."

The rest is history.  We left Tuscaloosa at 1:30 am CT, and arrived in Columbia around 9:30 am ET.  Tailgated all day with some awesome Alabama randos, and went to the game at 3:30 ET.  Got back to Tuscaloosa at 1:30 am this morning.  Hadn't had sleep since Thursday night.  Stupid?  Yeah.  Poorly planned?  Absolutely.  Worst idea we've ever had?  Close.  Simultaneously the best idea we've ever had?  Yeah, I think so.  And yes, Alabama lost and South Carolina won.  But guess who else won? We did.  Suckers.