Woodchucks

This commercial makes me giggle.  Hard.


That's all I got. Happy Monday!

You Just Got Skunked

Animals amaze me.  The way they look and the way they act keeps me entertained.  We'll get to the skunk in a minute, but let's look at my top-6 animals first, for no particular reason.  The list fluctuates, but today, here's how it stands.

6. Horses

5. Dogs

4.  Panthers

3.  Monkeys

2. Zonkeys (That's right, a freaking Donkey mixed with a Zebra!!!) 

1.  Honey Badgers

The skunk is getting props today for several reasons; mostly its incredible ability to stink.  Also respectable is its resemblance to the aforementioned honey badger, which is the king of the animal kingdom.  

-What animal other than the SKUNK can drop a bomb that stinks up 2 miles of interstate highway on an otherwise pleasant road journey?  I submit, none, unless they're dead...Dead animals stink pretty bad.  The real question is, do skunks realize the unholy power they possess?  That stench is terrible.  What if a certain skunk was just a jerk and started spraying people and spraying highly populated recreational areas just for laughs???  We have to hope this never happens.  They could take over the world. Their stink is not worth admiration but it is worth respect.  It is highly unique in the animal kingdom, and it is one of the most distinctive things in the animal world.

-However, just to be clear, skunks like every other animal on the planet, are nowhere near as awesome as honey badgers.  The skunk may have a matching majestic white mullet like the honey badger.  And the skunk may have an incredible and unsatisfiable hankering for honey which drives it to invade live bee hives just like honey badgers.  BUT, have you ever seen a skunk do this:

or this:  

No, no you haven't.  Skunks can not match the honey badger's lust for fear and intimidation.  

 -Welp, see ya later!

I've outdone myself

 When I go out on the town late night, I don't try to pick up girls.  It's not my style. I've never gone home with a girl, and I've never had one come home with me.  I never will, either.  "Hook-ups" are for the birds.  I prefer the circa 1950s model.  Dating.  If you enjoy the dates, hell, you can "go steady."  Anyway, when I'm out and about, I'll talk to everyone in an attempt to either entertain them or entertain myself.  Now, this is not to make an excuse for my awful way with words when it comes to girls.  Rarely, I'll actually meet someone I'd like to get to know better.  When I'm actually serious about trying to get to know someone, I make the same terrible comments, but it's not quiet as entertaining.  I digress.  Let's move on.

My friends have long been entertained by my conversations with the ladies.  At first, I was annoyed because I couldn't talk to any gal without having my friends listen in and giggle like school girls when I unknowingly dropped odd/horrible lines or offended someone without even trying.  One good "friend" said, "watching you talk to girls is one of the most entertaining things I've seen."  This was not a compliment.  He went on, "It's like a train wreck.  Absolutely horrible, but I can't stop watching, and I enjoy it."

I've got good friends.

After a while, I embraced it...maybe a little too much.  I wish I could apologize to some of the girls I used as guinea pigs just to get laughs from friends.  It always started the same way.  I'd spot one, tap my friends on the shoulder or get their attention and say, "watch this."  Then I was off.

Anyway, most of the time, I wasn't consciously trying to get laughs or offend anyone with my comments, but I did.  Here's the short list of lines that didn't come out or work out the way I planned.  I would like to forget them, but my good friends make sure I don't.

-"Hey, you're feet are bigger than mine!  That's interesting."  Reaction:  offended

-"You look really tired. What in the world have you been doing?"  Reaction:  offended

-"Do you like to party?"  Reaction:  frightened

-"Do you speak Spanish?"  Reaction:  speechless

-"I can't dance.  Not at all. If I could, I would ask you to dance.  I can snap my fingers...What's up?"  Reaction:  amused-not in a good way

-"Dannnnng!  Yo, what up?"  Reaction: she said, "Have you ever had a drink poured on your head?"  Reaction to the reaction:  I said "No, but I've been slapped at least 4 or 5 times."  Reaction to the reaction-reaction:  Rolled eyes, walked away (a victory in my opinion).

-And the personal favorite of a couple of my friends:  I was watching "Coneheads" with a girl, and it got to the part where Chris Farley took the conehead girl to the dance or prom or whatever the heck it was.  Then Chris Farley and the conhead started kissing.  So I turned to that poor girl and said, "So--uhh.  You wanna try that?"  Reaction:  Confused-very confused...but we kissed, suckers.  Damn, I'm good. 

-And today, I may have outdone myself.  I was at the gym.  I wasn't even interested in this girl, mind you.  She was at least a half a head taller than me and skinnier than Skeletor.  When I'm at the gym, I rarely talk to anyone because it's the one place where I'm all business.  I want to get in and get out in 50 minutes; casual conversation does not fit in.  But today, I had nowhere to be so I was taking my time.  I was on the stretching mats, which at the gym at Alabama are on the second floor down a long hallway that leads to an emergency exit.  It's adjacent to an indoor track where creeper dudes stare at girls doing ab workouts and stretching.  The girls are justifiably on guard when they're on the mats and I don't blame them.  Now.  I knew this, but for some reason, it didn't strike me that the following comment could have been taken the wrong way.  I was stretching right beside this girl, and all I did was make an observation.  It was not meant to be dirty or sexual, and I wasn't trying to hit on her.  Honest.  I said, "You are really flexible!  That's cool."  Reaction:  she said, "Wow." and got up and walked away.  Skank.

Plants and Pickle-sicles

So here are pictures of the houseplant that refuses to quit.  You know, they actually say that talking to plants helps them grow better.  I heard that nearly everyday when I was landscaping, and there's actually literature to back it up...But, I don't know how true it is when I'm looking at it every morning saying, "Why don't you just hurry up and die so I can add you to the compost pile out back."  Here's a shot of it:

Not too bad from that angle...But:

Tough son of a gun.  I'll give it that.  Oh, and check this out.  I left a pickle from McAlister's Deli in my refrigerator for a couple of weeks.  This is what happened.  OMG, right?  Right? Nobody?  No?

Right after I discovered this petrified pickle, I immediately walked it over to the houseplant and told it, "you're next."

!Choco-Milk Price Alert!

This mainly concerns Tuscaloosa residents; others are encouraged to keep reading for poops and giggles.

I wanted to give a brief report on current choc-milk market prices in Tuscaloosa.  I've been getting shafted until today.  Here's a short list of prices for 1-pint Dairy Fresh Chocolate Milks in the University area (taxes included).

• University dining/library cafes & bistros:   $1.84-absolute travesty, and sometimes they don't have any 
• Exon (or is it Mobil or something else?) on University Blvd. close to gym: $1.54-still too pricey, and they also experience horrid stock-outs occasionally
• Kangaroo on University Blvd. close to gym:  $1.41-getting better, but not even close to the Tuscaloosa Choco-milk Price Champion
• Shell on corner of Hackberry Lane and Black Bear's Way:  $1.08-Woooooo!  Son.  Jackpot. Choco-milk party in T-Town.
• Publix on the strip:  $1.06-Important to note this is the price of Publix's own brand of chocolate milk.  It's not bad.  I put it right up there with Dairy Fresh.  The problem with Publix is that getting in and out of that parking lot makes me want to choke-slam people.

Here's to you, Old Man Winter

With all due respect, and I am saying with all due respect--If you're reading this Old Man Winter, I'd like to pass along a message: go to hell.

This Old House [Plant]

--Shortly after I moved to Alabama last year, a female friend told me something insightful.  She said my apartment looked like a 12-year old boy lived in it because of the sports collectibles and the assortment of toys I keep on hand (they're awesome toys in my opinion).
--But, she was right.  I needed a re-modeling of sorts.  So I added curtains, a couple of delightful lamps, and last but not least, a house plant.  It was real nice-I got it at Wal-mart.  A half gallon bucket within a tiny, hand-painted globe, and a plant that looks something like miniature liriope (aka monkey grass). 
--After about 2 years of landscaping a groundskeeping, a houseplant seemed like an easy task.  The little plastic information thingy sticking out of the soil suggested the same thing:  "Needs some sunlight, temperatures between 45 and 105, occasional watering based on look and touch."  Aight.
--Well, about a year later, I have neglected the house plant and it looks terrible.  If it were a human, it would be in the hospital, and they would have called in the family.  I haven't watered it in about 3 and a half weeks, and honestly I've just been hoping it will die soon.  But it hasn't died.  I think it's staying alive just to spite me.  Seriously, I walk into the kitchen every morning, and it's just staring at me.  Some mornings I think I actually hear it saying, "Look at what you've done to me. Kill me.  Douse me in gasoline or put a black sheet over me."
--I'll post a picture shortly, but let me try to describe it via the use of literary symbols first.  It's once "kelly green glow" is now more or of a "vomit green."  It's once perky leaves now sag terribly and most are wilting with brown tips.  Most hideous of all is a strange fungus or ooze that has developed right on the top of it.  It looks like someone hocked a loogie on my dang plant.  I shouldn't be mad though; it's my fault it looks like absolute crap.
--Anyway, judging from my plant care, I guess it's a good thing I didn't get a dog instead.