Found it

The navy Duckhead shirt was resting comfortably beneath my navy suit jacket.  Sometimes, my favorite shirt plays games with me like this.  Oh, navy Duckhead, how I love you.  Playing hide and go seek and what not, just because you think it's funny when I get worked up. 

While my shirt is safe and sound, I would like my previous post to serve as a warning.  To summarize quickly:

~If you tread on my navy Duckhead,  remember what I said, 'cause you'll end up dead.~

 In other news, there is a dude in the library right now 5 computers down who is eating a muffin of some sort, and he keeps looking at me like I'm an FBI agent out to get him or something.  He's about 5'3" and probably ways 120 pounds dripping wet.  He has bug-eyes and thick glasses.  Apparently, my presence makes him uncomfortable which in turn makes me uncomfortable which in turn makes this whole dang thing uncomfortable. 

Code Red on my Navy Duckhead

My favorite shirt is missing.  It's a navy Duckhead, short sleeved, polo, circa 2002.  It's been through a lot with me.  I wore it to special events, to work, to class, and obviously I wore it when I partied.  I wore it so often that one mouthy female friend once said, "do you have any other shirts?"  The answer was yes, but I didn't have any other shirts that mattered.

Now, it is likely the case that I misplaced the shirt somewhere in my closets...But if for some terrible reason, someone out there has taken it, I would like to show that person that I mean business.  I am going to provide a quote from the movie "Taken," and I would like everyone to consider these words as my own:

"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my [navy Duckhead shirt] go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."

Happy Monday, everybody!!!  Obviously, I'm j/k-ing about killing someone for taking my shirt.  I would slit tires and set cars on fire before I did something crazy like that.

Inbox: Patrick from Asheville, NC wants to know...

Patrick Spence, a man among men in the mountains of North Carolina has taken time out of his ridiculously busy schedule as a minor league baseball Box Office Manager to check in and push some great "thinking" issues to the forefront of our agenda.  He was especially busy this past weekend partying in Bristol, TN for the NASCAR race...'J' to the 'Ealous.'  Wish I would have been there.

My favorite question from Spence was, "Why don't they turn right instead of left in NASCAR?  It's counter-clockwise.  Wouldn't it make better sense to go the other way?" 

In short, yes.  Absolutely. In long--Think about it.  We're a right hand-dominate country, people.  You lefties out there are put here to make us laugh.  Like when one of you is sitting there at dinner using your fork with your left hand!  OMG!  Classic!  That's the wrong hand, you morons!  J/K!  Of course.  Or am I?  LOL! BTW, computer talk is more addictive than crack.  I've never done crack, but I bet it wouldn't be as hard to pass up for me as saying "BRB" when I leave a room to get a drink of water.  I will never pass that up.  

Anyway, left is second best and right is...right.  Next, I think it's pretty daggum ironic and hilarious that they turn left when the political atmosphere in the garage and in the stands is far right. 

Also, as Patrick pointed out, wouldn't it be more kosher if they went clockwise?  So that got me thinking about why they go counter clockwise, and I think I figured out.  In fact, I'm sure I figured it out:  As some of you inbred, one-toothed, hicks out there (AKA my best of friends) would know, the idea of NASCAR was thought of by bootleggers and moonshiners.  They had to out-run the revenewers and cops, so they got the fastest, most souped up hot rods around.  Next thing you know, one dude says, "hey ya'll let's race each other and get people to pay to watch."  Bingo.  NASCAR.  Well, I'm certain that same dude was drunk, and he had to go pee.  When he flushed the toilet (or emptied the outhouse) he noticed that the water was spinning counter-clockwise as it sped off into oblivion.  So, he said "I think the cars should go that way too."  Boom.  Cars turning left.  Science.  Northern Hemisphere Science. 

Lastly, spanks a million to Audrey and Patrick for the suggestions recently.  If there's something you can't stop thinking about, holler at me. 

"Testing to e-mail dad in germany"

That was the subject of an e-mail I just received...from my mother!  Quick background:  My dad's going to Germany with my brother in September for an economics presentation.  Mom needed a way to stay connected.

She has never used the world wide web or e-mail until now, and today I'm thinking about how proud I am of her.   It's a miracle.  I never thought the day would come when she utilized Al Gore's internet, much less e-mail.  Kudos to you Mom, and in case I don't tell you enough over the phone, I love you.  And in case you didn't know, you are really speaking my love language when you use e-mail.  Made my day.

Inbox: Audrey from Chapel Hill wants to know... Honey Badger vs. Shark

Audrey wanted to know, "why doesn't Discovery Channel have a week dedicated to honey badgers?"

I'm glad you asked, Audrey.  Shark Week is extremely popular amongst the 18-35 demographic. Frankly, I've become nauseous from all the high praise Shark Week has been receiving amongst my friends and Facebook family.  I honestly did not want to get into this, because I know how much some people love Shark Week, but your question gives me an excuse.

First of all, Honey Badgers are not attention whores like sharks.  Sharks are always looking for cameras so they can show off and make an appearance on "Shark Week."  It's embarrassing.  Honey Badgers are extremely elusive and private creatures; they would never be out in the open showing off enough to fill up a week's worth of programming.  The male honey badger has a territory ranging up to 273 square miles; Discovery Channel would not be able to keep up. 

Second, the shark lives in a more aesthetically pleasing location.  Any camera shot of a shark is going to be great, because every dang shot is of a beautiful, blue ocean scene.  The honey badger however does not spend it's life lounging in an ocean resort.  The honey badger is blue collar and lives in the desert and African/Pakistani Plains.  I'll admit, shark week is visually stunning, but that's no thanks to the shark itself.

Third, there is a greater risk in filming honey badgers.  Yeah, sharks can kill people, but people can also film them without setting foot in the water with their special motorized cameras.  To film a honey badger, you must be on foot, because it will go places that no machine can go:  up a tree, down a tree (backwards), in a mole hole, in a hornet's nest (regularly), in a snake pit, in a lion's den, etc.  Not to mention honey badgers hate it when ALL animals invade their territory.  Sharks actually retreat many times when humans are around (Shark Week said so, suckers).  A honey badger will never retreat, meaning that an unsuspecting camera guy or girl would never be safe.  And guess what:  Honey badgers are only the 2nd animal along with monkeys that have been regularly documented utilizing tools...That is bad news for the Discovery Channel peeps if they want to stay alive.

Finally I would like us to quickly look at what Sharks do.  They kill fish, mostly.  Fish.  Defenseless fish.  Oh yeah, and occasionally seals.  Man, seals are rough customers.  What else?  Let's see, they are attracted to the smell of blood which means they like to hunt things that are already bleeding.  Guess what, a honey badger isn't going to wait for you to get hurt, son.  And a honey badger doesn't fight defenseless creatures.  Try the puff adder; one of Africa's most deadly snakes.  Honey badgers dominate them all the time.  LIONS; yeah honey badgers will attack them and kill them.  Hornets; let's see a shark get stung upwards of 100 times in 2 minutes and continue to have a honey-eating party.

Sharks are awesome.  Don't get me wrong.  But they have nothing on honey badgers.  Nothing.

Yahoo! Goober

Each day I log into my yahoo account to check my electronic mail and to take care of my fantasy baseball and fantasy NASCAR teams...Do not judge, lest ye be judged.

Anyway, a lot of times when I log in, I see this dude:

Right after I gave a mini-lecture on not judging, I'd like to say that this guy looks like a goober.  I think he means well, and I bet he's a great guy.  But he looks like he's either A:  constipated or B: about to poop himself.  That's a forced smile if I've ever seen one.  You're on the front page of Yahoo!, dude.  Show some teeth at least.  And who buys this guy's ties?  --I will not eat green eggs and ham--  But seriously, does this guy get advice from Roy Williams?

Ta-ta for now, suckers.

Sly Toddler Grabs Boob in Gas Station

Sometimes I'm just in an awesome place at an awesome time.

This morning, I was in an Arkansas gas station waiting in line when a little rug rat made my day.  His mom was carrying him, and she had sweet tattoos on her neck and arms, and she was sporting a stylish and functional black tank top with acid-washed jeans.  She bounced the boy slowly while waiting for the line to move.  Little homeboy was wearing a shirt with a dinosaur on it, blue shorts, and a Kool-Aid mustache.  He looked to be a little under 2 years old, and he was pumped to be in Exxon. 

I guess he got bored, but he started looking at his mom's bosom, and I could see in his eyes that something was about to go down.  He swept in with his right hand as if the ta-ta's were about to run away.  The mom let out a squeal, and then a laugh and then she said,

"Hold on now little buddy.  That is something you do to someone you ain't kin to, and something you do when you're older.  You crazy little booger!"

I loved this.  It was said as if to suggest..."Now we can bend those 2 rules here in Arkansas if we have a really good reason."