I've outdone myself

 When I go out on the town late night, I don't try to pick up girls.  It's not my style. I've never gone home with a girl, and I've never had one come home with me.  I never will, either.  "Hook-ups" are for the birds.  I prefer the circa 1950s model.  Dating.  If you enjoy the dates, hell, you can "go steady."  Anyway, when I'm out and about, I'll talk to everyone in an attempt to either entertain them or entertain myself.  Now, this is not to make an excuse for my awful way with words when it comes to girls.  Rarely, I'll actually meet someone I'd like to get to know better.  When I'm actually serious about trying to get to know someone, I make the same terrible comments, but it's not quiet as entertaining.  I digress.  Let's move on.

My friends have long been entertained by my conversations with the ladies.  At first, I was annoyed because I couldn't talk to any gal without having my friends listen in and giggle like school girls when I unknowingly dropped odd/horrible lines or offended someone without even trying.  One good "friend" said, "watching you talk to girls is one of the most entertaining things I've seen."  This was not a compliment.  He went on, "It's like a train wreck.  Absolutely horrible, but I can't stop watching, and I enjoy it."

I've got good friends.

After a while, I embraced it...maybe a little too much.  I wish I could apologize to some of the girls I used as guinea pigs just to get laughs from friends.  It always started the same way.  I'd spot one, tap my friends on the shoulder or get their attention and say, "watch this."  Then I was off.

Anyway, most of the time, I wasn't consciously trying to get laughs or offend anyone with my comments, but I did.  Here's the short list of lines that didn't come out or work out the way I planned.  I would like to forget them, but my good friends make sure I don't.

-"Hey, you're feet are bigger than mine!  That's interesting."  Reaction:  offended

-"You look really tired. What in the world have you been doing?"  Reaction:  offended

-"Do you like to party?"  Reaction:  frightened

-"Do you speak Spanish?"  Reaction:  speechless

-"I can't dance.  Not at all. If I could, I would ask you to dance.  I can snap my fingers...What's up?"  Reaction:  amused-not in a good way

-"Dannnnng!  Yo, what up?"  Reaction: she said, "Have you ever had a drink poured on your head?"  Reaction to the reaction:  I said "No, but I've been slapped at least 4 or 5 times."  Reaction to the reaction-reaction:  Rolled eyes, walked away (a victory in my opinion).

-And the personal favorite of a couple of my friends:  I was watching "Coneheads" with a girl, and it got to the part where Chris Farley took the conehead girl to the dance or prom or whatever the heck it was.  Then Chris Farley and the conhead started kissing.  So I turned to that poor girl and said, "So--uhh.  You wanna try that?"  Reaction:  Confused-very confused...but we kissed, suckers.  Damn, I'm good. 

-And today, I may have outdone myself.  I was at the gym.  I wasn't even interested in this girl, mind you.  She was at least a half a head taller than me and skinnier than Skeletor.  When I'm at the gym, I rarely talk to anyone because it's the one place where I'm all business.  I want to get in and get out in 50 minutes; casual conversation does not fit in.  But today, I had nowhere to be so I was taking my time.  I was on the stretching mats, which at the gym at Alabama are on the second floor down a long hallway that leads to an emergency exit.  It's adjacent to an indoor track where creeper dudes stare at girls doing ab workouts and stretching.  The girls are justifiably on guard when they're on the mats and I don't blame them.  Now.  I knew this, but for some reason, it didn't strike me that the following comment could have been taken the wrong way.  I was stretching right beside this girl, and all I did was make an observation.  It was not meant to be dirty or sexual, and I wasn't trying to hit on her.  Honest.  I said, "You are really flexible!  That's cool."  Reaction:  she said, "Wow." and got up and walked away.  Skank.