If animals were smart...

Lots of people think their pets are "really smart," and that's fine.  Some pets and animals are smart...relatively.  Dogs can be trained to do amazing things...and they also lick themselves.  Cats can open doors and windows, and scientists say they can recognize people they met several years before...They also climb trees they can't get out of.  Dolphins can regonize themselves in mirrors:  CNN Dolphin Video.  Monkeys and honey badgers are known to use tools.  On an on.

But what if animals were REALLY smart.  Like, smart enough to screw with us.  Seriously, some of them could jack us up if they got together and planned something.  I'm most worried about eagles, monkeys, and lions.  BULLET POINTS:

• Eagles:  Can you imagine if 3 or more eagles teamed up for an aerial attack???  We'd have no chance.  If they simply got together and picked out a single unsuspecting human victim, that human would not make it out alive.  With those powerful talons, they could easily slice a jugular or pick a small person up...and then drop them.
• Monkeys:  These guys could really screw with us.  They already wreak havoc in the Caribbean-->
 

What if they decided to make life miserable for some poor schmuck?  They have opposable thumbs for goodness sake.  They could tie you up, and then slap you in the face, just for kicks.  Frightening.  

• Lions:  Whoa nelly.  Freaking lions.  If they gang up and decide to dominate the human race...we're dead.  It's so simple, it's scary.  I hope they don't read this.  First, they team up on a zoo keeper.  Boom, 3 or 4 of them are free.  Then, they hop on a bus and go to another zoo in America and convince those lions to kill their zoo keeper, too.  3 or 4 more escape and then you've got a posse of angry, blood thirsty lions.  At this point, they would have at least made the news so they'll have to start working at night.  But still, they could slowly make their way across America freeing all the lions.  At that point, they could surround houses and eat people all day.  Even if you had several guns, you'd need a hefty caliber to drop a daggum lion.  And if 1 or 2 of them goes down, another is swatting you in the face with a paw the size of your head.  Lose-lose. 

My golly, I hope these animals' brains don't evolve much more.

Long Walks on the Beach...

When people introduce themselves and tell you a little bit of their background, they always think it's hi-larious to add, "and I like long walks on the beach."  Everybody then laughs as a result of a pathetic trained social reflex...except me. 

First of all, that joke is just as old, if not older, than responding to the news that a 16-year-old just got their first driver's license with, "Uh oh!  I better stay off the roads!  Hur, hur, hur!"  Idiots.  I was personally offended when people used the "stay off the roads" with me at age 16.  I would not laugh or smile.  I would blankly stare at them until they awkwardly walked away.  Neither the beach joke nor the driving joke would be funny even if they weren't as old as Regis Philbin.

Second, I love long walks, but haven't you ever noticed the slightly (sometimes moderately) sloped landscape of a beach?  It makes it feel like you're walking without one of your shoes on.  It drives me nuts.  Also, at many beaches, especially Myrtle Beach, there is a constant heavy wind that does NOT blow in from the ocean but instead parallel to the coast line.  This means when you walk one way, you feel like you just snorted a line of cocaine and you're walking uber fast, like an Olympic speedwalker.  BUT, when you turn around, you get dominated by the wind, and it feels like you just snorted tons of antihistamines like Benadryl, and you're walking up a steep hill.

All that being said, I love the beach.  I prefer the beach to the mountains or to bare flat lands.  I simply don't enjoy long walks on it. 

Happy New Year!  Suckers.

Things in my Christmas stocking

It's a safe bet that you didn't get what I got in my Christmas stocking. My brother and I are constantly looking for rare and outlandish items to make each other laugh. He got me good this Christmas. Laughed for a good solid 4 minutes after discovering these dandies:
1) Scorpion Sucker-Banana Flavor

Yes, that's a real scorpion inside.  And, no, I don't know what you're suppose to do when you get to it.

2) Edible Crickets-Bacon and Cheese flavored

Again, the items inside are real.  Real dead.  And edible.  Quite luxurious with the bacon and cheese flavoring.

My father and mother are also good at picking out gifts.  They know lots of people that make wood carvings and other hand made stuff.  That led to this gem:

3)  A hand-carved wolf sling shot:

 Apparently, no Christmas is complete without something that can shoot your eye out.  I like it a lot.