Stone Cold Stunned

The impossible has happened.

Just moments ago, I was finally stumped while talking about the Honey Badger.  In case you forgot, the Honey Badger is the most ferocious mammal on the planet according to the Guinness Book of World Records.  It can run up to 30 miles per hour, it can dominate lions and puff adders (puff adders are the most venomous snakes in the word), and it attacks larger mammals by scrotum attack.

Anyway, Billy aka Monkey asked me tonight:  "What would happen if a honey badger got Stone Cold-Stunned?"  I did not have an answer.  I will not make excuses.  I simply did not know what to say.  What WOULD happen if a honey badger got stunned by Stone Cold Steve Austin????  It's one of the most fantastic finishing moves in all of professional wrestling.  I feel like I should have known what to say, but I didn't.

Touche, Monkey.  Touche.

(Don't) Call 591-5555

Any fellow Walnut Cove native could tell you about the woman with the phone number 591-5555.  Anytime you had a sleep-over or some extra time on your hands, you could call 591-5555 for a good time.  By a good time, I mean an older woman would yell profanity at you until you got embarrassed, tired from laughing, or frightened. 

There were multiple methods you could use to get her started, but we found out that no matter what, she would yell obscenities at you sooner or later.  One time a friend called and said, "Heyyyyy!  How in the world are you!  I would just love to see you!" ....5 second break in the action.... "Who are you, you little sh*t, and what the [heck] do you want?"

We loved it.  I don't know who figured it out first, but she never disappointed.  I'm pretty sure my entire middle school called her on a regular basis.  She always obliged...with offensive quips and one-liners.

Who were you, John Wayne?

I'm not big on "heroes."  I believe very few people, if any, ever deserve to be looked up to as a hero.  There's Jesus, and then after that, there's a big drop off to the next possible candidates.

John Wayne is one person I consider in the conversation, along with Dale Earnhardt, Dwight D. Eisenhower, the Biblical King David, and Mighty Mouse.  BULLET POINTS

• Earnhardt was a working class dude that did that what it took to succeed...but he had well documented problems with women and people in general.
• Eisenhower I consider almost exclusively for his fantastic Interstate System that we all use extensively in our travels.  Being a 5-Star general in WWII doesn't hurt his odds, either.  Any biography or website could give you criticisms, though.
• King David RULED.--literally and figuratively.  He did however have that little run-in with Bathsheba who happened to be married, but not to him.  Andddd, then there were his concubines.  Oh, Davey.
• Mighty Mouse is indeed a hero.  He is also fictional.  I especially love the online description of Mighty Mouse found on Dr. Wik E. Pedia's personal website:  "He would dole out a considerable amount of punishment, subduing opponent cats to the point of giving up their evil plan and running away."  Like the other guys, even Mighty Mouse had multiple girlies-Pearl Pureheart and Mitzi. 

Now, as for John Wayne.  On screen at least, he didn't fall into many moral traps.  His on-screen persona was tough, upstanding, moral, trustworthy, perseverant, and understanding.  In real life though, he had 3 wives, 2 divorces, and at least one reported affair.  Not to mention homeboy used a hair piece later in his career which I did not know until Dr. Wik E. Pedia told me today.  "What's wrong with him using a hair piece?"  He tried to deceive me; that's what's wrong with that.  He also smoked too much which undoubtedly led to his early departure from this world to Glory. 

What am I getting at?  I don't exactly know.  I guess there are no real heroes, although you can look at all of those people's ideals and values and they'll be pretty solid.  Do as they said, not as they acted. As for Jesus, you can do as he said and acted...At least you can try.  Dude was perfect. 

Watch that next step, it's a "doobie"

While I was walking right through the middle of Alabama's campus on Friday I spotted what appeared to be a cigarette of sorts.  I didn't think anything of it at first, but as I got closer it was clear that it was one that someone had rolled their self, and it had not been smoked much.  When I stood over it, I thought to myself, "that can't be a...no.  No, not here.  That's not a doobie." 

I started kicking at it with my foot like a dog paws at something it isn't familiar with.  The contents came out, and yep, it was marijuana--right there on the sidewalk by the Student Services building.  I then immediately thought, "what if a cop were around right now?  What would I say?"  Well guess what, about 35 yards away, there walked an officer.  So what did I do?  The most sketchy thing possible.  Looked at him, turned around and walked away quickly.  I didn't look back, and I never heard anything, so no harm-no foul I guess.

Today I thought about "Pawpaw"

I think about my grandfather who has passed on, quite a bit.  Today I thought about him a couple of times, and he just kept coming up.  We called him "Papaw," and I wish I had another picture of him, but this is the only one I have access to right now.  This is a picture from when he was only around 18, and he changed alot, but you get the idea.  He is the one I've circled.  What are they doing there?  Well it seems pretty obvious that their band was about to play a tune and then rob a bank or shoot up a liquor store.  Duh.

 I thought about him first when I was running early this morning.  There must be a pond or some marshy area off of Campus Drive where I run, and i smelled that fresh water smell.  It smelled just like it did behind Papaw's house where there is still a small pond at the bottom of a hill. 

I thought of him again today because it's so hot. I remember whenever it was really hot, Papaw would sit down and put both hands behind his head in a reclined position.  He would then quickly shake his head once to the right and say, "Boy!"  That was it.  That's how you knew it was hot.  He would also have the exact same reaction after a big meal. 

Whenever I think of him, I think of what an incredible person he was.  I never once heard him say anything bad about anyone...Not once...Not even in a joking way.  And the only time I ever heard him say a bad word was when I played the card game, Rummy with him and my grandmother.  Once or twice after one of my Mamaw's plays, he muttered, "well shit, Lessie Ray."  Lessie Ray is my grandmother's name.  Anyway, I told my dad one time how I never heard Papaw say anything bad about anyone, and he thought about for a brief second, and said he never had either.  Incredible. 

Cartoons

They call them "animated films" these days thanks to fantastic new computer graphics, but I still think of them as "cartoons."  Anyway, I love them.  Love them, love them, love them.  The insane amount of bright colors that they throw into animated films these days is enough to cause my feeble mind to quickly go into sensory overload.  Look at this!

Does that blow your mind?  And that's a still photo.  Seriously, all the awesome colors and the fast action in these new cartoons is enough to make me pee myself and forget who I am until the movie's over.

That's all I got.  Goodnight.

What's your plan???

"What's your plan?"  "What's next?"  "What are you going to do with that?"  "What would you like to do?"  I'm tired of those questions.  They make me want to give good people a serving of "knuckle sandwich" with a side of "elbow soup." 

I think we all get those questions a lot, and tonight I was thinking they're no good.  Especially, the "what would you like to do?"

Every time I've ever had a plan, things have changed.  Things weren't as I expected or how I thought they would be.  A couple of times I've met people that have helped changed my perspective or people that made me consider another "plan." 

Anyway, I don't stress about it anymore.  In fact, since I moved back to North Carolina after my stint in Arkansas back in 2008, I haven't stressed about hardly anything.  Now I'm in Alabama, kind of just floating.  Contrary to what some may say, I do believe God has a plan for me and everyone else, so I'll just keep doing what I think I'm suppose to be doing at the moment and hold on for the ride.  This is the closest thing I do to getting stressed these days:  I reflect on what's done, look at what's next, get kind of confused, and then write about it.  Rinse.  Repeat.

As far as, "What would you like to do?"  Well that's easy.  I would like to move to the beach, quit working and school forever, and party--Hard...And that's how I know, that answering that question is not a good way for me to figure out what's next in my life.  I'll pray instead, thank you.

"You boys going on a tour?"

Being on the road the last couple of weeks made me remember this little gem. 

About 3 years ago, I went on a cross-country trip from Montana back to North Carolina with my brother and 2 of his friends.  In Wisconsin, we stopped in Green Bay to check out Lambeau Field.  It wasn't during the season, but there were lots of people in and around the stadium taking pictures and what not. 

We were just leaving when an SUV with 2 older dudes came creeping up slowly on our group of 4 younger dudes.  The passenger rolled down his window at which point we all slowed down because we expected him to say something...

"Hey there.  You boys going on a tour?!"  I would classify his facial expression at this point as a wry smile.

All of us were confused.  I laughed quietly because that's what I do when I'm uncomfortable.  Alex gave a blank stare.  I don't remember what Brad was doing.  Jake slightly tilted his head like a dog does when it hears something strange.  Then Jake said, "Well we're driving back to North Carolina.  So kind of, I guess."

"Cool.  That sounds like a ton of fun," said the dude.

"Yeah, you bet," said Jake. 

Awkward silence.  And then they drove off.

We just stood there by the car wondering what exactly that guy wanted.  Then Jake said, "I don't know what that guy was selling, but I'm not buying."

Agreed.

Harris Teeter loses cool points

Each day I've been in North Carolina, I've been to the grocery store at least once. Harris Teeter and Kroger have been my targets. Kroger is known for value. Harris Teeter is known for quality and selection.

The Teet let me down today. I could not find the peanut butter. Got everything else, and then went to the front to check-out.   Asked the dude, "Could you please tell me where the peanut butter is?" He said, "How could you miss it? It's right by all the bottled water."

What? What sense does that make?

Maybe I missed it because I was looking for Peanut Butter and not bottled water, chief. What a d-bag. Peanut butter needs to be adjacent or close to one of the following things: canned goods, condiments, nuts, or maybe even sugar and spices. Not flippin' water.  Regardless of placement, you best not question my ability to find it in front of other customers.  I'm a VIC (Very Important Customer) in case you didn't see my card.

BIZKIT the Dog!

I thought about this dog all day.  I laughed all day.  I peed my pants.  All day.

Farm Camp's Got Talent? Oh yeah

I roll into Farm Camp last week, and it just happened to be Talent Show Week!  The actual performers rule, but the reactions are often just as entertaining.  Case in point:

The one in the black with the pink wig is a veteran camper (12 years old).  It is also a boy.  He is very entertaining and has a preference for pop music performed by females.  For the last 4 years, he has performed a hot new single.  This year it was Lady Gaga's "Poker Face."  Entertaining?  Yes.  Strange?  Very.

Here was the camper reaction I captured while this was in progress

 Here is a close up of one of the funniest campers.  Every expression he comes up with is gold.  His name is Keegan.  But I call him Senor Kee-gon!  And he loves it

And later, Senor Kee-Gon took the stage, and made everyone shout with joy with his robot dancing.

He got some air with this move.  Awe- to the -some.

The Evolution of a Conversation: Fruit to the Diarrhea Song

I was sitting at Shadowood Apartments in Chapel Hill, NC today with Will Speight and Jeff Lloyd.  We were watching the Braves/Mets game when Will asked, "If you could be a fruit or vegetable, which would you be?"

Lloyd and I both responded with "Cucumber."  I then offered another suggestion-Corn.  Corn rules because it never really dies.  You eat it, but it goes right through and comes out the way it went in.  Bathroom gold I like to call it.

Jeff then asked, "how are turds formed?"  Speight and I then discussed some anatomy and physiology and tried to straighten that out.  Inevitably, when dudes talk about turds, diarrhea will come up. 

Lloyd then sang, "When you're sliding in to third and you feel a little turd--Diarrhea, Diarrhea."  He then shouted, "The Diarrhea Song!  I loved it back in the day!"

We then pieced together the lyrics by going through our extensive memory vaults...and via google.

"When you're sliding into first, and you feel a little burst--Diarrhea, Diarrhea"
"When you're sliding into two, and your pants are filled with goo--Diarrhea, Diarrhea"
"When you're sliding into third, and you feel a greasy turd--Diarrhea, Diarrhea"
"When you're sliding into home, and your pants are filled with foam--Diarrhea, Diarrhea"

Later, suckers!

Hello Mudda, Hello Fadduh: Camp Awesomeness

At the UNC Faculty and Staff Recreation Association Summer Youth Camp, I am amused every day.  Most of the time, I get my kicks from one of my all-time favorite campers who I won't name, because we're not suppose to play favorites...right.

Everything this ten-year-old girl says is gold.  She was teaching me a million card games when I asked her, "How do you know all these card games?"  Instantly, she responded with this little gem:  "I learned them in juvey."  Nothing beats a good juvenile delinquency joke.

On Tuesday, I found out she won't be at camp next week.  I asked her, "what in the world am I going to do next week without you here to party with me?"  She said, "I guess you'll have to find some other psycho to laugh at."  She didn't even know about my love for the word 'psycho.' Awesome.

Also on Tuesday, a nine year old dude said "give me some money," to which I promptly responded, "absolutely not."  He said, "you will if you know what's good for you."  I said, "how about I give you 10 minutes out of the pool?" to which he responded, "I did NOT think that one through."  He then walked away and immediately asked a pool facility patron who he had never met for money....and he got it from her.  Turd.

Lock Out

I would like to have a moment of silence for my 'Ace Hardware' padlock that died doing its job Monday...

It has taken until now for me to be able to write about it.  It was my own carelessness that led to its demise.  I wasn't thinking clearly Monday after my workout. I was thinking about candy or chocolate milk or how the pressure in the locker room shower was fantastic. I got my shower stuff out and instead of putting they key in my gym bag like I should have, I put it in my book bag which was still in the locker. Idiot.  As a gym employee at the University of North Carolina, I always made fun of people that locked their padlock keys in their locker.  "You silly sally," I would think to myself, or "You goofy gary," or "you moron," and so on.  I would go to the hardware closet and get the bolt cutters and execute the padlocks quickly and painlessly. 

This time, the lock joke was on me.  And this time, the lock cutting wasn't quick and it wasn't painless.  There were two dudes sent to cut the lock.  I believe you really only need one dude for this task, but neither had done it before.  I offered my help, but they said they couldn't let me do it because of liability reasons.  Garbage.  If my sentimental padlock had to be put down, they could have at least let me do it myself. 

Anyway, they started compressing the bolt cutter and they failed to give the proper amount of man-force and torque so instead of a clean cut, the metal bent oddly and then snapped.  It was ugly, and it hurt my soul to watch.