Inbox: Audrey from Chapel Hill wants to know... Honey Badger vs. Shark

Audrey wanted to know, "why doesn't Discovery Channel have a week dedicated to honey badgers?"

I'm glad you asked, Audrey.  Shark Week is extremely popular amongst the 18-35 demographic. Frankly, I've become nauseous from all the high praise Shark Week has been receiving amongst my friends and Facebook family.  I honestly did not want to get into this, because I know how much some people love Shark Week, but your question gives me an excuse.

First of all, Honey Badgers are not attention whores like sharks.  Sharks are always looking for cameras so they can show off and make an appearance on "Shark Week."  It's embarrassing.  Honey Badgers are extremely elusive and private creatures; they would never be out in the open showing off enough to fill up a week's worth of programming.  The male honey badger has a territory ranging up to 273 square miles; Discovery Channel would not be able to keep up. 

Second, the shark lives in a more aesthetically pleasing location.  Any camera shot of a shark is going to be great, because every dang shot is of a beautiful, blue ocean scene.  The honey badger however does not spend it's life lounging in an ocean resort.  The honey badger is blue collar and lives in the desert and African/Pakistani Plains.  I'll admit, shark week is visually stunning, but that's no thanks to the shark itself.

Third, there is a greater risk in filming honey badgers.  Yeah, sharks can kill people, but people can also film them without setting foot in the water with their special motorized cameras.  To film a honey badger, you must be on foot, because it will go places that no machine can go:  up a tree, down a tree (backwards), in a mole hole, in a hornet's nest (regularly), in a snake pit, in a lion's den, etc.  Not to mention honey badgers hate it when ALL animals invade their territory.  Sharks actually retreat many times when humans are around (Shark Week said so, suckers).  A honey badger will never retreat, meaning that an unsuspecting camera guy or girl would never be safe.  And guess what:  Honey badgers are only the 2nd animal along with monkeys that have been regularly documented utilizing tools...That is bad news for the Discovery Channel peeps if they want to stay alive.

Finally I would like us to quickly look at what Sharks do.  They kill fish, mostly.  Fish.  Defenseless fish.  Oh yeah, and occasionally seals.  Man, seals are rough customers.  What else?  Let's see, they are attracted to the smell of blood which means they like to hunt things that are already bleeding.  Guess what, a honey badger isn't going to wait for you to get hurt, son.  And a honey badger doesn't fight defenseless creatures.  Try the puff adder; one of Africa's most deadly snakes.  Honey badgers dominate them all the time.  LIONS; yeah honey badgers will attack them and kill them.  Hornets; let's see a shark get stung upwards of 100 times in 2 minutes and continue to have a honey-eating party.

Sharks are awesome.  Don't get me wrong.  But they have nothing on honey badgers.  Nothing.