Why You Should Hate Duke

I’d like to preface this by saying, “with all due respect.” And I do mean, with all due respect.  The issue here is that not much respect is due.

There are so many reasons as a North Carolina native (and as a non-native) to despise and detest Duke, that it isn’t even funny. I don’t get upset with my friends who are Duke fans, because they’re simply misguided—misguided in a bad way.  I hope to fix that. Of all my friends who are Duke fans, none went to Duke…And the 2 people I know who actually went there, do not cheer for Duke. Ever.  Love it.

Real quick, I’d like to explain why I don’t take the time to rip into NC State. NC State is a publicly funded institution within the North Carolina system. NC State fans that live within the state have helped fund that university through taxes, and they have every right to cheer for their team. Moreover, I have several good friends that are NC State alums. My brother received his PhD from there. Yes, NC State fans make me want to vomit sometimes, but at least their decision to pull for the Pack is justified. Further, Duke students are dorky, squirrely and generally look unhealthy. NC State students on the other hand, are corn-fed, and I wouldn’t want to start an unnecessary fight with them.

I honestly don’t know where to start. The reasons to be induced into a gag-reflex due to the mere mention of Duke are endless. But, I’ve got to start somewhere.  This is by no means an exhaustive list; that would take too long. 

1) Taxes: If you are or ever were a North Carolina resident, you paid a significant amount of taxes to the state of North Carolina. Not a dime; nay; not a single penny of that money ever went to Duke which is a private institution. Unless you donated money to Duke (in which case, we should consider much further intervention), you have ABSOLUTLEY NO VESTED INTEREST in the happenings of that conceited, elitist institution in Durham. To cover all the bases, Duke did and does receive federal grants. They received over $1.5 million dollars of tax-payer money from the feds (http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/2009/11/stimulus.html). Oh, and it was from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act (ARRA)…What a great program that ended up being!!! Yay Duke, and yay federal government! Undoubtedly, there’s going to be some clown out there who may point to some state grant that Duke received in the past. I don’t have the time to research that trash, and if Duke ever received a state grant, I want my dang money back.

2) Student Body: Only 15% of Duke students are from North Carolina. Pathetic. Get the heck out of my home state. Where do their other students come from? The top-5 include New Jersey, New York, California, and Texas. Well we all know from watching Jersey Shore on MTV that New Jersey is the classiest of the classy. Well done Duke. You don’t have to take my word for it: (http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/2009/12/early_decision.html) (http://news.duke.edu/2006/03/admissions.html). Not only should those stats give Duke fans pause, but on top of that, Duke promotes those stats. Diversity, diversity, diversity! Horse crap. North Carolina’s population is extremely diverse. Duke recruits students out of state simply to boast about their diversity, which is ultimately a ploy to raise the cost of attendance. It now costs $52,405 a year to attend Duke, and I got that from their website (http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/resources/quickfacts.html). Within the UNC-system (17 institutions in all), no university or college has an in-state enrollment below 81% (North Carolina A&T holds that mark). UNC-Chapel Hill is 83% in-state students, and UNC-Pembroke leads the way at 95%. Some will argue:  “Well, Duke is a private university, and that’s the nature of private schools."  Take that private mentality and shove it. How many “private” things have ever been good? When you’ve got information that you’d like to keep “private,” it isn’t good is it? How about “private” gentlemen’s clubs—grimy, filthy, pathetic. Teenagers want their “Privacy.” Why do they won’t this privacy? Because they have discovered the art of touching themselves or touching people of the opposite sex. Bad news on both fronts (no pun intended). And lastly, “Private Ryan.” Well, I have nothing against Private Ryan. He was a great man, and I’m glad they saved him. And yes, our personal rights and privacy as Americans are another “private” thing that is good. Duh.

3) The problem with Duke’s “redeeming” qualities: “Duke is a fine institution.” There are lots of fine institutions. Most of them don’t charge $52,400 for you to attend. “Duke has many notable alums.” Before I light into Duke’s “notable alumni,” I would submit that it’s not a good argument for any university or college fans to boast about their alums, because there are undoubtedly some bad apples that bring shame to the school. That being said, I give you some of Duke's “notable” alums: -Richard Nixon—Ah yes. Dick. Decent president. Watergate was cool. -George Richard "Rick" Wagoner, Jr.-Former CEO of General Motors. Rick nearly single-handedly ruined my favorite car manufacturer. And he was asked to resign…by the White House and federal government. How bad do you have to screw things up for the Feds to say, “Hey, we think you could do things better and more efficiently”? -Oh, here’s a good one: John J. Mack—CEO of Morgan Stanley. According to Equilar.com (http://www.equilar.com/CEO_Compensation/Morgan_Stanley_John_J._Mack.php) , Mr. Mack is one of the richest CEO’s in America, and you’re going to love the breakdown of his income. Base salary: a modest $800,000. “Other”: $435,000.  Hard-earned money, I’m sure. And his accumulated wealth of $53 freaking million is tied up mostly in equity holdings…All on the up and up I’m sure. Ah, Morgan Stanley. A champion of blue collar workers. If you bring them anything less than $25,000 to invest, they’ll tell you kiss off. Just good people, man! Good people. The next “redeeming" quality I love to hear Duke fans and even alums use is, “It’s a beautiful campus!” Well duh, you morons. It’s in North Carolina. You couldn’t make a campus in North Carolina look ugly unless you cut down all the trees, and then covered it entirely with brick and asphalt (looking at you NC State).



Of course it's beautiful!  You can thank the Old North State for that.

 4) The problem with saying “I’m just a Duke basketball fan.”: This statement is the definition of ignorance. Whether you like it or not, the basketball team does not exist without the university. They are one in the same. Deal with it. That’s like saying, “I like lucky charms, but I don’t like the green shamrock marshmallows.” Well then, you don’t like Lucky Charms, you idiot. It’s like saying, “I like fishing, but I don’t like waiting for them to bite”…It doesn’t work like that, chief. It’s like saying, “I like country music, but I don’t like George Strait.” Holy moly, if you don’t see the problem with that, then you’re a lost cause, and you should get your IP address off my web-log space right now. I love how quickly most Duke basketball “fans” will trash Duke’s football team. Now, trashing Duke’s football team is justifiable…if you’re not a Duke basketball fan. So silly. They both receive funds from, and generate revenue for, Duke’s athletic program. The money goes to the same pot, whether you like it or not.

5) The girls at Duke are ugly. So ugly.

And I didn't even mention:

•  JJ Redick's double-barrel middle finger shooting at the UNC student section
•  Coach K's potty mouth
•  Jersey boy, Bobby Hurley and his habbit of crying like a school girl
•  The absolutely hateful "Cameron Crazies" who could make Ozzy Osborne blush with their language and the way they treat visiting fans
• The high school gym they call a "stadium" which is old, unclean, overcrowded and hot (great idea to turn down the A.C. a couple years back Coach K!)
• The worst press box in the history of sports, but they affectionately call it "the crow's nest."  Oh, "but it's colorful, and it's got character."  It's also got rats. 

And to those of you out there who went to UNC and pull for Duke:  When the heck are you going to re-evaluate your entire life.  I bet you're also fans of Judas.